i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
