I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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