my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
