i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
