What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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