Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize