oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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