So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
