Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
