Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
