There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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