even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
