So drunk its hurt
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
