Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
false alarm. still invincible.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
