Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
