I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
