Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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