i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
