i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
