I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
