Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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