I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
