We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
