Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Let the clothes fall where they may.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
