she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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