Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
