I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
