Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
