pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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