You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's blow job season.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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