worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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