the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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