I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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