I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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