Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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