I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
