I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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