So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize