Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
