I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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