I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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