I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Is Oprah even human
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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