does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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