My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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