There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
