My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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