Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
