Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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