I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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