I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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