dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
