the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
