I'm lost and stupid without you.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Randomize
