So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
