It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
