ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
