is your mom at the bar?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize