Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm jealous of your bromance
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
