Please, let me fuck your mom
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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