Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize