It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
