Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
