Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
