A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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