Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize