I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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