found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
