Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I am one with the molecules
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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